I always wanted to put this in words..

I want to be inside my favorite song.

I'm sitting somewhere where I don't want to be, doing something I don't want to do. But my ipod is in, and it's playing my favorite song and it feels so good. I just want to be consumed by the music, be totally washed over and covered in it. Lost in it, where there's nothing else going on. No body but me, no time, no plans, no destination.
I'd like to step inside the song. I think it would be black there, but a beautiful, deep, familiar and pleasing dark. The song is memorized, its turns and builds and breaks and waves. I have deemed it my favorite, given it a special place. Played it over and over again, in different situations, each time adding new meaning to the words or reassuring what has always rung true in them. It has won my heart over, for now at least. Everyone knows that favorite songs don't last long. Circumstances change, the song gets overplayed, a new singer comes along, a new favorite song. Eventually I will hear it again, and along with its being played, comes the emotions and memories from somewhere inside that are attached to it. I don't often like to look back. It's uncomfortable. It's a fortunate thing if I've managed to move on at all.
But for now, it brings only happiness and pleasure to my ears. If only the entire world would melt away, leaving me alone in the dark depth of the music I choose.

That's all I want right now.




If everything is Yours, everything is Yours.
I can let it go, it was never mine to hold.

Korean Conflict

I don't know much about politics and wars and all that, but I heard that I should be concerned about what's going on in Korea. Just because of the alliances and stuff, the States could be in danger, and apparently a genius plan to get at the States is to attack Canada! Sweet deal.
Check out this verse though:
Matt 24:6
You will hear of wars and rumors of war. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet.
I am so often blinded and distracted by this world, and I forget the bigger picture. I forget heaven and hell, angels and demons, that Jesus is coming back and it's going to be ridiculous because it's outside of our world. I even forget about sin and God too often.
I've always wanted to experience something out of this world, supernatural, haven't you?
The Spirit of God can empower people to do miraculous things, but there are other powers out there, often evil ones that can accomplish similar tasks as well. But one day we will! If you hear a loud trumpet, and a bunch of people are taken away, then you can be sure that they've gone to heaven and you've just experienced something supernaturally epic.

Mithridate

Generally how this works is, I always start with no direction or purpose really but end up having a lot to say.
Idea: I'm going to type in "word of the day" in google, and whatever comes up,  I'll write about it. Cool beans, here we go..
The word of the day is: mithridate - A confection believed to contain an antidote to every poison.
I'm not really feelin' that one. No wait, let's see what I got.. 

Why doesn't anybody use this? Why have I never even heard of this? All those people who died because they couldn't read the WHMIS signs. I don't think Shakespeare ever heard of that one, or else there would be no Romeo and Juliet, or rather there would be. And Hamlet's father that was killed with some poison in his ears by his brother, things could have continued nicely. Hamlet would still be at University and his relationship with Ophelia would have been just fine. Someone should notify the doctors about this one. They should keep some on hand. I wonder what the side affects are, or if it tastes bad or something.
I looked it up on google. Apparently it's practically impossible to mix. It's got like 54 ingredients and some quantities are as small as 1/16 denarius, which I'm assuming is like microscopic. That's why they say its from the gods, because only they could measure that. Interesting.. a little. I want to get my hands on some of that. Actually, that's a lie. I don't even care past this paragraph. I'm gonna use that though, mithridate. I'll bring it up in some conversation.


That wasn't quite as successful as I had hoped, but whatever. I think I'm the only person that finds pleasure in this blog anyway, so I'm going to continue speaking randomness and enjoying it.
Lay-tuh-er duh-ay-yuh-zz. Mad Gab that one out.

Sigh

I didn't really mean for this blog to be completely God centered. That's just how it turned out so far, which is fine, really. But today I'm feeling something different.
So... let's just vent, since this is my blog and I can say what I want.
I'm upset, and overwhelmed. I'm supposed to lead my worship team, but I'm not a good leader, I think that's just what it comes down to. I don't have that commanding presence, I don't have a loud voice, and I hate yelling at people to get their attention. I literally just need people to respect me and be attentive enough to automatically give me the attention I need in order to lead. I have leader ideas, I have a leader heart and the passion that makes for a good leader but the actual carrying out of that leadership I'm such a fail at! It sucks. I guess that's just part of life, like the figuring out of where you fit, how you work, what your position is in different systems. I don't know if anyone is ever what they want to be.

[side note: no matter how upset you are, it never makes sense to put anything that hints towards that in your facebook status. People are feens.]

Anyways, so after the fail of a music practice, I just shut down internally. You can read it on my face, which is unfortunate and I should probably learn to hide it, but that didn't happen. It's really difficult, maybe impossible to worship when your heart's in the wrong place like that. I just thought that it sucked that it was my responsibility and I just couldn't accomplish it. Yaah...
Another thing is that a bunch of the people around me are going through intensely hard stuff. Like drugs, smoking, family members going to jail, assault, depression and desperation. It's not taking it's toll on me yet, because it's relatively recent, so I still have a decent amount of stamina left, but still it's hard to be on the outside of the issue. I often don't know what to do. Like I mentioned before though, all I can do is pray, and that's not even a last resort - or at least it shouldn't be. And then I'm also confused of why I am sheltered from all this? Like, I've just been spared from almost all badness that affects most of the people I know. My life's easy, I've got no problems, besides other people's problems. I live in a bubble. Bleeeeh, I don't know. Frustrated.

Proving the Bible

Up until this point, when I was trying to explain the concept of Christianity to people who don't call that their own faith, my reasons to follow it were such:
1) You don't go to hell
2) Jesus satisfies that hole in your heart - admit it, you know something's missing

Both of these things are completely and honestly, true facts. But last night, when I was reading my Bible, in Acts chapter 10, I realized that my focus is off; my understanding is slightly wrong. I'm willing to admit this though, research and correct it. I follow what the Bible says, regardless of what I hear from renown theologists, charismatic speakers or the pastor at church. If any one of them told me something that contradicted the Bible, I draw the line. I want truth, and that's all I want.
So then, what is the basis for Christianity? It's not what we get out of it. It's not the feeling, or how it makes my life easier or feel purposeful. Literally, it comes down to what is truth.

Point 1:
I don't think anyone would argue me on the fact that Jesus once walked this Earth, living a "good" life serving others. Lots of different religions acknowledge that.
Point 2:
Lots of scholars use the Bible as an accurate historical document. It lines up with many other documents from history.

If you're one of those people who acknowledge that the Bible is real and true, and know what it says - that this guy Jesus, the Son of God who was perfect, died on a cross. And His death is the only way that God will allow you into heaven because you are forgiven of your sins. If at this point, you choose to deny it, choose to live the life you choose instead of what the Bible says, then I respect that. I'm absolutely heart broken because of it, because I believe you're buying the temporariness of this world and that means you're going to hell. Which flippin' sucks! And I wish you wouldn't, but that's up to you. But I worry that the majority of people don't recognize the Bible as real and/or don't know what it says. This is where it doesn't add up. This is where people don't understand, where they really need to look into it. Laziness, stubbornness or whatever else equals an eternity of regret. An eternity of, it's too late.

I've learned to hate the answer "I don't know." I'm sick of people leaving it at that. God is not a simple guy, and I'm learning lots about Him. But when I come to a question, I want an answer. I want to understand what I believe and understand God in the fullest way a human can. Especially for people who are not Christians, and I ask a question and then they leave it at, "I'm not really sure.." You can't. You just can't. I need to know.

I'm not going to blindly follow. I'm not one of those people who are convinced of this whole concept of God just by what they're told. I'm figuring this out as I go. I'm learning so much. Specifically what I'm learning is that the Bible's definition of a Christian hardly matches up with the way that the majority of people are living their "Christian" lives. I'm striving for that - to be a Biblical Christian, to the core. I'm no where close to it, honestly. People look at me and know me as a really nice person, who doesn't swear and goes to church and whatever else, but I'm telling you, I've got a long way to go. Not to say I'm not a Christian, because I accept Jesus' sacrifice for me, and recognize that I'm a sinner and without Him I couldn't go to heaven. But I am learning what it is to live the life that God calls us to live, and it ain't simple! But it is epic. Small steps towards becoming more like Him.

Loving the Broken

There's this thing that happens to me and I believe God made me this way on purpose.
There are certain people towards which I feel overwhelmingly connected to, without reason. I am ultra emotional (haha) and maybe this is a way that it plays out, but just through compassion and empathy and care. If you asked my friends, how many times I've said "Oh my goodness, I just love that person," they'd tell you I say that pretty much everyday. And these people aren't my best friends. Mostly they are people I hardly know, but I just can't help but love them. But it's deeper then, "Oh that person's cool." It's like "I love you." I don't know how else to put it.
There is another type of love I have though for people. Example, this guy I know told me that he was having a hard time, and I could just see the hurt on his face and it broke my heart, like I want to cry now just thinking about it. It just get ingrained on my heart, I get emotionally involved that way that I feel a degree of their pain and it consumes me. I just need to help them, I need to do something, most of the time there's not a lot I can do - but there's always something you can do - pray. Because once I realize that I can't do anything that will matter or heal or change or fix someone else's problem, I go to the guy who is all powerful. Who can do anything. I truly believe that.
I think this is the kind of response that comes from the Holy Spirit inside of me. It pours out and then overflows, and I can't make it happen or stop it either. It's just the kind of love that Jesus inspires. It is what He stands for, what He is. He is loving the broken, and feeling their pain and doing what you can to help them.
But I am not the healer. He is the healer. I am only His instrument.

You Can't Out-give God

I'm reading this book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and parts of it are rocking my world. Maybe you've heard of the saying a "lukewarm Christian" and I would argue that that is how almost every "Christian" I know lives. They go to church on Sunday, don't swear and try to be really nice, and that's where it ends. The crazy part is, if you read the Bible, you will soon realize that Jesus calls us to a much more radical life than this.
Since reading this book, I'm really trying to start making changes in my life towards becoming a radical Christian, or at least the type of Christian that the Bible defines.
One example in my life is this [From Crazy Love]:
"'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the Lord of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows'" Malachi 3:10

"This is the only place in the Bible where God invites His poeple to test Him, to try to out-give Him... Nothing has strengthened my faith more than seeing God bless what I give back to Him, what I surrender at His feet" (page 110, Crazy Love).
So, my response to this is to give to God. But more than that, I want to give sacrificially, to the point where it costs me something, where it hurts and I feel the loss. I was saving up for a laptop for University, all the money I had made babysitting and odd little jobs over the past two months I was keeping in a cup. Once I read this part of Crazy Love, it all suddenly was put into perspective. I forget SO easily (it's embarrassing how easily, actually) who God is and how much He deserves and how I should be living my life. This Sunday I gave away all that I had saved up towards my laptop, scrapping that hope and putting my trust in God that He'll provide for me what I need when I need it, as he always has. Always.
Keeping in mind, God promises to bless you in return for what you give Him. This isn't a way to acquire things AT ALL, just for proof that God does follow through on His what He says.
Since I made that decision mid last week, I feel that God has reached down and blessed me for it. I've been looking for a job for over a month without success or any calls back or anything, and the need to start saving money was increasing. But in TWO days, I got a job. From the day I handed in my resume, I got the job the next day, without an interview even. And yesterday, I got a second call for another interview in another job.
Cool, eh?

God is real.
God does what He says He'll do.
God provides, and I have no need to worry.
It's a beautiful thing.