Don't ask me what 7 years down the road looks like, because I don't know.
All I know is that tomorrow sucks without you.

There they go again, stealing my heart thoughts and makin' 'em songs.

Overboard - Ingrid Michaelson

I could write my name by the age of 3
And I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, 
Fall overboard, overboard
Fall overboard,
Just so you can catch me

But as strong as I seem to think I am,
My distressing damsel
She comes out at night, when the moon's filled up
And your eyes are bright, and I think I simply outta

Fall over, fall over,
Fall overboard, overboard
Fall overboard,
Just so you can catch me

And I watch the ships go sailing by
If I be the girl will you play the guy
And I never thought I'd be the type
To fall, to fall, to fall

 

You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong

I think I need this in my life

Beauty is how you feel on the inside, and it reflects through your eyes. It's not physical.

Regardless of What Happens

We were two bouncing souls, trapped in high school hallways. We collided and meshed with plenty of other souls, making and breaking relationships that now serve as our past. But then one day, we interacted, and it was as if I had found a kindred soul. A soul made of the same fabric. Someone whose vibes frequented the same channels as mine. All of the sudden, our souls aligned. We walk down the sidewalk, parallel and practically in sync. Our paces differ at times, our laughter too early or late, but something is right. Something inside me feels like it never has before. Like I’ve found someone just for me, someone I like. One time I told him he was the best. He declined it, and now I think he is right. He is not the best, like I had once said. But what he is, is my favourite. He’s my kind of best.
I’m glad our souls finally found each other. That’s a beautiful image: us bouncing for four years, unconnected, and our sudden contact pulls us with extreme force onto the same track.
It’s inevitable, I don’t believe I have to the power to refuse it. I don’t believe I want to. I’m not sure if I should. Regardless of what happens, you are my kind of soul and I love you.

I just want to make you smile.

My Mom searches my face, anything you need to tell me? I say, no, meaning, there is nothing. Meaning, there is boat loads. Meaning, I can’t.

This warms my insides more than hot chocolate, steaming soup and chilli peppers combined.

I’d give you the time of day, any day, any way you want to hear it.


See, like right now it’s 12:02 on a Saturday night in the middle of August, and we’re laying on a beach, just you and me, waiting for someone to ask us to leave.

And now it’s 4:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. We’re eating frozen peas in rocking chairs on the porch of our old, white house. There goes our baby girl, down the driveway in the passenger seat of a green pickup, next to a boy she swears she loves. I love your wrinkles.

What time is it, you ask. It’s 8:28 on a Sunday morning. I’m leaving, for school. I don’t know when I’ll see you next, and all I know is to get to you is a 3 hour and 15 minute drive in a car I don’t have. On second thought, it’s not 8:28 on a Sunday morning.

In fact, I believe it’s 7:30 on a weeknight evening. The baby’s crying and you're watching football, I’m half asleep on your arm. I move to get the baby, but you hold me back and go yourself. I watch you walk, as exhausted as I am, from behind and realize I love being in this with you.

Now it’s 9:54 on a Wednesday night. Your curfew’s 10 and we have to make this quick. I’m not breathing, I can’t tell if you are. Here we go, deciding our futures on homemade theories and sparks. 

Precisely.

Strategy

Avoid
Avoid
Avoid
Avoid
Avoid
Avoid

The answer is a simultaneous yes and no.

Goosebumps

If we evolved from monkeys and we get goosebumps, monkeys have to get goosebumps, which they do.
It seems weird that we still get goosebumps, because our lack of hair makes them almost useless, where monkeys with lots of hair find this quite useful.
BUT if we evolved from monkeys, taking with us the gene for goosebumps, should we not also have goosebumps on our face? Which monkeys would based on the hair covering their faces. Is it our lack of hair, or is it simply and purposefully how our bodies are designed that causes us to not get goosebumps on our faces?

I Could

I could act like them
Laugh like them
Look like them
Dress like them
Make you feel like them
Get on my knees like them
Dance like them
Dish it out like them
Suck it in like them
Show it off like them

But I don't
And I won't
'Cause that's what they do

So take what you want
From them
'Cause I swear I'll never be that
For you.

With[out] you

6 Days and not a word
Welcome back, I think
You are air to my lungs
Peace to my muscles
Calmness to my water

I don't know what to do
With you
And I don't know what to do
Without you either

I never felt so tempted by the world. I always thought I was so strong, that I would never give in, but now I realize that I'm incredibly weak. God always seemed like the obvious choice, nothing even came close to His position. If I ever had to choose, I would give up anything for Him. Until anything suddenly became extremely valuable and virtually impossible to tear away from my grasp. Just a glimpse of worldly pleasure and my heart shifted from satisfied to completely desperate.
God placed something gorgeous before me and then asked me to walk away from it and follow Him. And I want to say no, really bad. Almost all of me says, no thanks, I'll take what's in front of me. One, it's gorgeous. Two, I can't find the motivation to refuse it. Three, it's rare. Four, I need it. And God said, no, follow me.
I never had to sacrifice much, besides little things that I was happy to give up. But this, I was miserable to give up. Absolutely, positively wrecked-miserable. Even now that I've chosen God, I'm not sure God will accept my change of heart. Because although I'm choosing Him, I haven't let go and there's a certain amount of disappointment and bitter, angry feelings.
I'm trying to let go. Sorta. I don't know how bad I want to yet. But I want to want to.
It's slowly coming back into focus.

I was reading about the Isrealites. God had done crazy stuff to get them out of Egypt where they had been enslaved. He lead them through the desert with these cloud markers during the day, and FIRE at night. How unreal is that, eh? God was taking them to this "Promised Land." So they get there finally and all these thousands of Isrealites are all hesitant. They decide to send some spies in to scope out how good the land really is. The spies go and find that there is good good soil and fruit that is growing there, the land is fertile and beautiful. But it is inhabited by these giants who are aggressive warriors and are scary. The Isrealites say, no way we can go in there! We're all going to die, this is so silly. We should have just stayed in Egypt!
Wait, wait, wait. God just pulled all these crazy stunts for you! He gave you food all along and kept you safe as long as you were following Him. This is the Promised Land! This is your reward, God said it's going to be wonderful there. Tell me you're not copping out because you're too scared to fight the giants!
God was upset with them for not trusting Him. And when they realized (because God told Moses who told the Isrealites) that they had NO reason not to trust God's leading, they said, "Ok, ok! We get it. We will go and fight because God told us to." But God said, "No, you didn't trust me when I lead you and I will not empower you to fight the giants now. You had your chance." The Isrealites go in anyways, hoping that things will work out, but they don't. The giants chase them out really easily and they fail miserably. God says, "Because you didn't trust me, none of you from this generation will get to go into this awesome Promised Land. I will let the next generation in." Sucks!
I'm scared that this is my situation..
God has a plan for my life. And being God and being only good, His plan is good for me. Something, someone came along that seemed to fit in my plan quite well, and I wanted him there. But God said, no, follow me. Like the Isrealites, I kinda yelled back, "Yah right God! Look what's in front of me. Why would I follow you when it seems better to do what I want?" The Isrealites were too scared to even try fighting the giants, even though God was on their side and was going to have them win all along. And I didn't want to trust God's plan for me, I just wanted what I wanted. I didn't want to sacrifice, or miss out on love. But God's like, "Amber! Listen to me, there is the Promised Land to which I am leading you: I have a plan, and the plan is good. I will make you happy until the end of your life as long as you're with Me and you follow Me." And I said, "No thanks God! I'm happy here. Your way is too hard, I don't want to give up things or miss out on things or pass things up. Let me do what I want."
Somehow, well not somehow. Through what I read in the Bible being convictingly relevant to my situation, through the people around me and through my conscience, God convinced me that this isn't the way to go. And to trust His leading, wherever that may be. Whether it's some gorgeous Promised Land or whether that the worst place on earth, I know I'm only truly satisfied when I'm with Him. And then I remember that God's plan is GOOD, all good. And He's a CRAZY God and does stinkin' wild things. And I want to be on His side.

God left the Isrealites after they decided not to follow Him. I'm suuure I hurt His feelings, and He absolutely should be offended by the speed at which I left Him for something that seemed pleasurable to me. I denied Him and did my own thing, selfishly, faithlessly.
It's not easy, even now. Actually, it's really, really, really hard. I choose God now, because what other choice do I have? When I thought about not having God in my life, I literally saw everything crumble. Life is nothing without Him.. nothing! What would I live for? Why would I do the things I do? What would happen after I die? How would I ever satisfy that hole in my heart? Honestly, I'd probably just give up without Him. There's no point unless you're living completely for Him. Otherwise things are futile, and temporary, and meaningless. And with Him things are purposeful, fulfilling, eternal, uplifting, valuable.
Still working through a lot of things. I feel like someone reached into my chest and is clenching my lungs with tight fists. I can't breathe. I sleep all the time, but not at night. I'm just messed over being convicted of not following God and how He got a hold of my conscience, and also just dealing with the pain of letting go.
But progress is being made. I can see the light.

Good thing God is merciful, eh? Like seriously, what would we do if God stopped giving us chances? I literally panicked when I thought about Him leaving me, not that He leaves people.. The moment He's gone, everything stops. I just need Him. I love Him.