I didn't really mean for this blog to be completely God centered. That's just how it turned out so far, which is fine, really. But today I'm feeling something different.
So... let's just vent, since this is my blog and I can say what I want.
I'm upset, and overwhelmed. I'm supposed to lead my worship team, but I'm not a good leader, I think that's just what it comes down to. I don't have that commanding presence, I don't have a loud voice, and I hate yelling at people to get their attention. I literally just need people to respect me and be attentive enough to automatically give me the attention I need in order to lead. I have leader ideas, I have a leader heart and the passion that makes for a good leader but the actual carrying out of that leadership I'm such a fail at! It sucks. I guess that's just part of life, like the figuring out of where you fit, how you work, what your position is in different systems. I don't know if anyone is ever what they want to be.
[side note: no matter how upset you are, it never makes sense to put anything that hints towards that in your facebook status. People are feens.]
Anyways, so after the fail of a music practice, I just shut down internally. You can read it on my face, which is unfortunate and I should probably learn to hide it, but that didn't happen. It's really difficult, maybe impossible to worship when your heart's in the wrong place like that. I just thought that it sucked that it was my responsibility and I just couldn't accomplish it. Yaah...
Another thing is that a bunch of the people around me are going through intensely hard stuff. Like drugs, smoking, family members going to jail, assault, depression and desperation. It's not taking it's toll on me yet, because it's relatively recent, so I still have a decent amount of stamina left, but still it's hard to be on the outside of the issue. I often don't know what to do. Like I mentioned before though, all I can do is pray, and that's not even a last resort - or at least it shouldn't be. And then I'm also confused of why I am sheltered from all this? Like, I've just been spared from almost all badness that affects most of the people I know. My life's easy, I've got no problems, besides other people's problems. I live in a bubble. Bleeeeh, I don't know. Frustrated.
