One Thing

As soon as I stop looking to God to be fed, and I'm not consistently spending time being filled up by Him, things change. I start feeling lonely and empty, longing for contact and not being satisfied by anyone's. There's this space, void, hole, compartment inside that needs filling , and I started filling it with other things. It's tough to deny such tempting offers, but those things are gone now and the space hurts. And when I relied on You to fill the void, I didn't need anything, anyone. I was full. I was strong. But without you, I am a wandering, unsatisfied and hurting soul. I miss You. I need You.

I will be the one that cries for you.

Hey you! -
With the long hair and the hat. And the beard. And the heart.
I want you.

"I've never seen you like this. You're always so strong. You're being like a weak little girl. This is a side of you that's never come out."
"I know, and that's what scares me. It's different this time, and I'm going to lose it."

When's the Time?

One of these days, I'll decide to be strong. I'll decide to stand up and re-enter the world of logic and reason, of foresight and long-term gain. But in my heart I find no such desire; nothing that allows me to let go or be okay.
How could you be okay? I hope you're lying.
It's disgusting actually, how I'd rather stay in this state of misery if it just means holding on to a tiny shred of hope of keeping you, than to let you slip away and maybe go back to being a happy me. I don't know if it's disgusting actually. I can hardly help it. Maybe this misery is beautiful. Maybe it's not desperate or weak or unwarranted. Maybe it is, I'm not really sure. No, I don't think it is. You're allowed to care and invest in things that are unsure. You're allowed to follow your heart.
True? Then why am I being directed otherwise? But then I trust You. And then I remember how bad it sucks. And then I remember I trust You.
It sucks. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. It sucks! I trust You. I trust You. I trust You.








- With all but a shred of my heart.

Flippin' suuuucks.

I don't really want your advice anymore,
No more pros and cons lists
Possibilities and opportunities.
I don't really want to talk about it anymore,
Or think about it, since I've already done more than enough of that.

I just want someone to sit with me
And let me cry my salty tears.
Honestly, I just want you to look me in the eye and say:
"That sucks," and mean it,
Because that's all that's left to say.

I want you..

You and I, we're like an uncontrollable freight train, pushing forward with every force of momentum and nothing holding us back. We are bounding - without grip, without consent and without even a whisper of ever stopping.
Close the curtains and we'll go a lovely shade of green as we get motion sickness from the speed at which this train takes the curves in its tracks, the way it glides alongside gravity down steep slopes. Or maybe we'll leave the curtains open and watch as trees and houses and people and places all blur into colourful lines of undefinition; of surreality and inferiority to what we have created for ourselves. They can be the backdrop of our slow dance, as we rock and sway to the chugging rhythm of the train. Our heartbeats keep perfect, undisrupted time to the most melodic, movement inspiring music I've ever heard.
But within seconds of this fabricated heaven, where every cell of my body asks to be taken, I suffocate. I cannot stand or sing or dance or sway. I cannot move or breathe or speak or be. I have been unplugged, and pulled into a gorgeously alluring state. And don't get me wrong, it is everything I want. Everything I've ever wanted, but its just not what I need.
So I will throw myself onto these cold iron tracks, shivering limply with my heart - spewing broken blood - in my hand. I will be what stops this pulsing train; a sacrifice of pain and flesh and happiness. And though I wanted to forget the tracks, forget the path and the destination and focus solely on falling deeper and deeper into exclusive bliss with you, I can't.
Oh, goodb... It hurts to say.

Goodbye bliss, goodbye.
Come back to me.
Goodbye.
Come back.
Goodbye.


I need Him. I want you. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I want you. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him.

Get Up

I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.

I
   Am
          Stronger
                          Than
                                     This.

Sleeping is for the peaceful.

Your Jesus books piled miles high.
I don't want your Jesus books or hooks
Or looks or any of that other stuff.
I just want something real and pure.

Smoother than the L.A. weather,

That's how he holds himself together. 

He is colder than the winter, 

I wrap my coat around to better

Counteract his charm attack 

That leaves me hungry. 

Well I'm no saviour, 

But I tried to save you

With all my love. 

He pushes everyone away from him
As he screams for someone to come close.

Why does he do that?
How do we get in?

Take the back door
Break a window
Stand and wait
Knock and knock
Knock, knock, knock
Knees, pleas
Please.


Believe in me, help me believe in anything
'Cause I want to be someone who believes.

So I'll stand by Your truth,
And I'll fight with Your strength,
Until you bring the victory.

E. E. Cummings [Poetry to Prose], Gorgeous.

Feeling is the intensity of life. This being the case, the person who dwells on the reason of life will never be fully engulfed by the passion of the moment, or take part in the full experience of a kiss. This same person will live, forever lacking the entirety of the experience while delicate opportunities prance tantalizingly around them.
So says my lifeblood that pulses in passion, that kisses are a better gratification than wisdom, Lady, I swear by all things beautiful. Don't cry - the sharpest functioning of my brain pales in comparison to your eyelids' even slightest flutter. I could craft the most complex of wordy expressions to say what you can say in one glance: We are for each other. Exploit your emotion: laugh, leaning back in my arms, grazing your free spirited passion against my structured logic. Life is not so structured, there is no formula.
And death will not define anything that happens between the beginning and the end.

This is me, volcanoing

There's not a bone in me that doubts You,
Not a bone, not a whisper.
You have moved too much,
Brushing warm breezes over my shivering skin.
You have carried me; I walk above it all, I swear.
When the ground falls out from beneath me,
I stay completely grounded, steady
Despite the mess that surrounds me.
I live as if I'm constantly drowning,
Constantly overwhelmed,
Gasping for air, waiting for rest,
And yet I'm never taken under the current.

But that doesn't mean things are easy.
That doesn't mean I have all the answers,
Or make all the right decisions,
Or understand how You work.

I won't be spoon fed the "right" answers.
I demand truth.
I expect answers,
And I believe You justify Yourself.
You don't crumble under the pressure of my questions.
All paths point to You
And I'm sprinting towards You,
On a narrow and tight path,
Fighting violently against the things that yank at my wrists,
Grabbing my ankles.
I press forward, resistance or not,
I can't stop,
Won't stop.

And I hope I'm not offending You,
By asking so many questions,
And wanting explanations and justification.
For why You choose to do things the way You do.
"Your ways are higher," the angelic voice sings,
"Your thoughts are higher," it echoes.
Over and over,
Reminding me that You're only good,
And You're not against me.


I want things my way,
And I want them in my time.
My intentions are good,
My heart is right,
And yet Your way and my way
Collide.


I'm angry, I'm broken.
I feel so useless,
I can't help anyone.
I did everything right and it didn't work!


"It's all in God's timing," she says.
"That's crap!" I yell.
I'm sick of makeshift answers,
Fill in the gap answers,
Easy to swallow answers.
Answers to smooth the ripples,
Answers to stop the questions.
I want real answers!

And yet I don't doubt You.
Not for one second.
Not even a little.
I am hitting a wall,
My human mind won't let me grasp it all.
Even that sounds like crap sometimes.

But it's not.
How could I understand You?
Why would I question Your timing,
When You invented time.
You literally control every tick of the second hand
On a clock that holds the world captive.
You can see forever past,
Forever forward.
You see the tomorrow and so You make decisions for today,
When all I see is the now.

It's weird because my intentions aren't wrong,
Even some of the things that are completely in line
With what You ask of me
Are against what You are allowing me.

I feel an urgency,
A lack of time,
I see an inevitable and disasterous ending.
For a moment there, I swear I felt the weight of the world:
Billions of lives going somewhere they'd never choose to go.
And what am I supposed to do about it!?
I'm trying. Oh God, I'm trying.

I feel like my hands are full of fragile lives
And tears stream down my face as I watch them slip through my fingers.
But You remind me,
You speak to me, I know it's You,
Saying: "This is my job. You do your part,
I'll do mine."
"But I am!"
This is where I start to lose my grip.
When I do whatever it takes,
And it takes something else.
When my efforts, my desires,
My tears and sobs
And pleas and hurting knees
Don't equate to results,
To saved people.

I'm not mad at You,
I just don't understand.
I'm just upset that You said no,
And I don't understand why.
And neither does he.

And I'm scared, more than anything else,
I'm scared
That I messed it up.
That I said it wrong, or pushed too hard
Or spoke too soon.
But sometimes I don't have the answers!

I really don't understand this time.
I'm hurting for him.
I'm scared the door is closing,
I'm scared he's slipping through my fingers.
Good thing Your hands are bigger than mine.

And still
I don't doubt You.
I question You and don't understand You
And I want to know why,
Please don't take it as rude, but I want to know now,
Before it's too late.

I don't care if You say no to me forever,
Or take away everything I've ever cared about.
If You steer me away from my dreams,
My desires, my love.
Frustration and anger,
I lay it before You.
I surrender regardless.
You are too big, too much,
Too beautiful and Holy.
There's just nothing I want more,
Nothing that fills the void that needs filling.

Forever, You and me.

Your Ways Are Higher, Isaiah 55:8-11

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

I'm Losing It

We are approaching break down territory. 

It's all slipping through my fingers

Grasping at air

Gasping for air

It's all alright with You.