I never felt so tempted by the world. I always thought I was so strong, that I would never give in, but now I realize that I'm incredibly weak. God always seemed like the obvious choice, nothing even came close to His position. If I ever had to choose, I would give up anything for Him. Until anything suddenly became extremely valuable and virtually impossible to tear away from my grasp. Just a glimpse of worldly pleasure and my heart shifted from satisfied to completely desperate.
God placed something gorgeous before me and then asked me to walk away from it and follow Him. And I want to say no, really bad. Almost all of me says, no thanks, I'll take what's in front of me. One, it's gorgeous. Two, I can't find the motivation to refuse it. Three, it's rare. Four, I need it. And God said, no, follow me.
I never had to sacrifice much, besides little things that I was happy to give up. But this, I was miserable to give up. Absolutely, positively wrecked-miserable. Even now that I've chosen God, I'm not sure God will accept my change of heart. Because although I'm choosing Him, I haven't let go and there's a certain amount of disappointment and bitter, angry feelings.
I'm trying to let go. Sorta. I don't know how bad I want to yet. But I want to want to.
It's slowly coming back into focus.

I was reading about the Isrealites. God had done crazy stuff to get them out of Egypt where they had been enslaved. He lead them through the desert with these cloud markers during the day, and FIRE at night. How unreal is that, eh? God was taking them to this "Promised Land." So they get there finally and all these thousands of Isrealites are all hesitant. They decide to send some spies in to scope out how good the land really is. The spies go and find that there is good good soil and fruit that is growing there, the land is fertile and beautiful. But it is inhabited by these giants who are aggressive warriors and are scary. The Isrealites say, no way we can go in there! We're all going to die, this is so silly. We should have just stayed in Egypt!
Wait, wait, wait. God just pulled all these crazy stunts for you! He gave you food all along and kept you safe as long as you were following Him. This is the Promised Land! This is your reward, God said it's going to be wonderful there. Tell me you're not copping out because you're too scared to fight the giants!
God was upset with them for not trusting Him. And when they realized (because God told Moses who told the Isrealites) that they had NO reason not to trust God's leading, they said, "Ok, ok! We get it. We will go and fight because God told us to." But God said, "No, you didn't trust me when I lead you and I will not empower you to fight the giants now. You had your chance." The Isrealites go in anyways, hoping that things will work out, but they don't. The giants chase them out really easily and they fail miserably. God says, "Because you didn't trust me, none of you from this generation will get to go into this awesome Promised Land. I will let the next generation in." Sucks!
I'm scared that this is my situation..
God has a plan for my life. And being God and being only good, His plan is good for me. Something, someone came along that seemed to fit in my plan quite well, and I wanted him there. But God said, no, follow me. Like the Isrealites, I kinda yelled back, "Yah right God! Look what's in front of me. Why would I follow you when it seems better to do what I want?" The Isrealites were too scared to even try fighting the giants, even though God was on their side and was going to have them win all along. And I didn't want to trust God's plan for me, I just wanted what I wanted. I didn't want to sacrifice, or miss out on love. But God's like, "Amber! Listen to me, there is the Promised Land to which I am leading you: I have a plan, and the plan is good. I will make you happy until the end of your life as long as you're with Me and you follow Me." And I said, "No thanks God! I'm happy here. Your way is too hard, I don't want to give up things or miss out on things or pass things up. Let me do what I want."
Somehow, well not somehow. Through what I read in the Bible being convictingly relevant to my situation, through the people around me and through my conscience, God convinced me that this isn't the way to go. And to trust His leading, wherever that may be. Whether it's some gorgeous Promised Land or whether that the worst place on earth, I know I'm only truly satisfied when I'm with Him. And then I remember that God's plan is GOOD, all good. And He's a CRAZY God and does stinkin' wild things. And I want to be on His side.

God left the Isrealites after they decided not to follow Him. I'm suuure I hurt His feelings, and He absolutely should be offended by the speed at which I left Him for something that seemed pleasurable to me. I denied Him and did my own thing, selfishly, faithlessly.
It's not easy, even now. Actually, it's really, really, really hard. I choose God now, because what other choice do I have? When I thought about not having God in my life, I literally saw everything crumble. Life is nothing without Him.. nothing! What would I live for? Why would I do the things I do? What would happen after I die? How would I ever satisfy that hole in my heart? Honestly, I'd probably just give up without Him. There's no point unless you're living completely for Him. Otherwise things are futile, and temporary, and meaningless. And with Him things are purposeful, fulfilling, eternal, uplifting, valuable.
Still working through a lot of things. I feel like someone reached into my chest and is clenching my lungs with tight fists. I can't breathe. I sleep all the time, but not at night. I'm just messed over being convicted of not following God and how He got a hold of my conscience, and also just dealing with the pain of letting go.
But progress is being made. I can see the light.

Good thing God is merciful, eh? Like seriously, what would we do if God stopped giving us chances? I literally panicked when I thought about Him leaving me, not that He leaves people.. The moment He's gone, everything stops. I just need Him. I love Him.