You teach me through grilled cheese

Hey old friend,
Nice to see you. Blank and patiently waiting. Nonjudgmental, wordless, and understanding.
Black ink brings clarity to white pages of being lost. Sometimes, at least.

I think truth is my absolute favourite thing. Certainty - the moments that I'm sure are rare and precious. When truth passes someone's lips, my skin responds; chilled to the bone. I don't like this relying on feelings thing. It's so flippant, so fleshly. My heart breathes lies and theories: birds with no wings, which are weak stumps of creatures.
So then tell me, Truth. Fill me in, help me out. If only Your voice was as distinct as my grandma's, her groggy whisper of "helloo," on the phone is enough I know it's her. I'm not really enjoying this whole, give up everything deal. I wish I could say I was. This is not fun.
My dreams.
My heart.
My time.
My hopes.
My needs. 
I hear the selfishness and the bitterness in my heart. I watched it reign in me all day. I know.

You teach me through grilled cheese.
My best friend, who I love the most, was sick in bed and didn't go to lunch yesterday. I was late for lunch with my parents and had things to do later that day, but I wanted her to eat. So I grabbed a grilled cheese sandwich for her, contained between two paper plates and walked it back to her room. On the way, my heart said, "God, please reward me for this good work I'm doing, trying to love people." As soon as that thought passed through my mind, I reeled it back in realizing it was not my thought at all. I needed no reward, today or in heaven for bringing her food. I love her and I wanted her to eat, and I was happy to bring her food even though I had to rearrange other things to do that.
I want the same to be with me and God. I so long to stop acting based on what I should do, and start serving because I love Him. Happy. Overflowing. Outpouring.
My deepest need is to be right with You. Being apart, I am restless, purposeless, and empty.
Please let me back in.