Newsfeed

I'm just a little sick of reading statuses in my facebook newsfeed of people bragging about the fact that they were smashed the other night.
That just screams their desire to be recognized for taking part in that teenage ritual.

Maybe sick of it is not the right thing to say. Frustrated. Sad.
I'm not sure if I'm one of the only ones who sees through it. Like does everyone else on facebook just fall for it and give that person more respect now, or do they see the weakness behind it. The pressure, the expectation, the status.

Blind.

I'm on a song lyric kick

I'm not sure how to introduce this. They're old feelings. Not dead feelings.

It's about.. Ya, I got nothing. Just read it.


I feel so helpless now, my guitar is not around
And I'm struggling with the xylophone to make these feelings sound
I'm remembering you singing, and I'm bringing you to life
It's raining out my window and today it looks like night


You haven't written to me in a week, I'm wondering why that is
Are you too nervous to be lovers, friendship ruined with just one kiss
I watched you very closely and I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue,
I'm never close enough to say 


Your sweatshirt says it all, with your hood over your face
I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes
I'm with another boy, he's asleep, I'm wide awake
He's tried to win my heart, but it's taken time


I know the shape of your hands, 'cause I watch them when you talk
I know the shape of your body, 'cause I watch it when you walk
I want to know it all, but I'm giving you the lead
So go on, go on and take it
Don't fake it. Shake it.


Don't second guess your feelings, you were right from the start
I notice she's your lover, but she's no where near your heart
This city is for strangers like the sky is for the stars
I think it's very dangerous if we do not take what's ours


I'm winning you with words, because I have no other way
I want to look into your face without your eyes turning away
Last night I watched you sing, because a person has to try
I walked home in the rain because a person cannot lie

 Gray or Blue - Jaymay

This is beauty.

Facing Forward

I've got money in my pockets
I like the colour of my hair
I've got a friend who loves me
I've got a house, I've got a car
I've got a good mother
And her voice is what keeps me here


Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself.
I've never wanted anything
No, I've never want anything
So bad.

Everybody folds for love

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

We were going to be young and naive forever... 

I'm A Dreamer

As humiliating as it might be to give something 100% and fall flat on your face,
It's gotta be more humiliating to not have the guts to go after something you want with 100%.

One More Time

You learn from your mistakes, right?
But if you don't act based on what you learned, you really didn't learn anything, did you?

You say, I'm never going to do that again.
And then you do it again.

Your heart still wants what it always wanted. You're just supposed to know that last time you gave in to what you wanted, it wasn't worth it.

So why am I about to do it again?

Cat Inspired.

There's been too many times when I walk in the door from school and see my cat sleeping on the couch. I know that's where he's been all day and I find myself extremely jealous.
I want to sleep, and eat, and not worry about anything at all. Be pet, and loved and fed. And sleep. All the time. It's so simple.

Life is heavy. Just living, everyday, with pressures and responsibilities and deadlines.
And time.

It never stops trudging forward, ever. No matter what.
Even if you really wanted it to.
That's a weird concept.
There's a lot of those, weird concepts.

I guess that's where the value in life comes from though. It wouldn't matter how you spent your time if your time wasn't spendable, wasn't here and then gone. Wasn't losable, waste-able.

Ha

I laughed on my own today.
Without anyone else laughing to inspire my laugh.
This is momentous! I am a follower of a laugher. I laugh when other people laugh, it's what makes it funny.
But I don't like it. I want to laugh independently. To decide for myself what is funny. To be the laugher.

The best character quality I can think of is someone who laughs at other people's jokes. Everyone laughs at people's jokes, but there are people who laugh hard, and get your jokes. Who make you feel funny. Those are my favorite people. I want to be one of those.

I laughed on my own today.

My Pops figured this out

According to NASA (http://eclipse.gsfc.nasa.gov/LEdecade/LEdecade2011.html)

In the years 2014 and 2015 there will be two solar eclipses and four lunar eclipses, all of them occurring on Jewish Holy Days!

            The Lunar eclipses break down as follows:

            Passover                                 April 15, 2014

            Feast of Tabernacles              October 8, 2014

            Passover                                 April 4, 2015

            Feast of Tabernacles              September 28, 2015

            The two Solar eclipses connected with God’s Holy Days in 2014-2015 occur:

            Adar 29/Nisan 1(New Year)            March 20, 2015

            Feast of Trumpets                  September 13, 2015

The last time this happened was in 1949/1950, the year following Israel’s statehood, and 1967/1968, the year Jerusalem was liberated in the Six-Day War!  Before that, you have to go back to 1493 for four successive lunar eclipses on Passover and the Feast of Tabernacles. This will not happen again for hundreds of years.

  Joel 2:31 - the sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

  Acts 2:20 - The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord.

   Jesus Christ Himself said, referring to the days before His second coming:  “And there will be fearful sights and GREAT SIGNS from heaven”  (Luke 21:11, KJV).  Christ went on, “And there will be SIGNS in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars . . .” (Luke 21: 25).

    “Now when these things BEGIN to happen, LOOK UP and LIFT UP your heads, because your REDEMPTION  draws near” (Luke 21:28).

Why is that?

You step forward, and I'm pushed back.
You step back and gasping for more.

And the things of this world will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

[In]dependence

I'm pretty used to being depended on. I seem to find that place naturally in a lot of my relationships. I'm really independent, and I think I rely on myself a lot, so I don't feel comfortable leaning on other people much. And I'm consistent, so maybe people find that comforting to have close. But I have one friend who I rely on 100%. It's been that way forever. I actually need her, and she's always been there. Just me and her.

I think she's ok without me. She can stand without me, she can rely on the people that are close to her, whether that's me or someone else. She's would miss me if I was gone, but she will function just fine and I feel like I'll have a harder time.

I don't need anyone, but her. I trust her, and only her. She knows me, completely. She gets me, and that's rare. She laughs at me, which is an acquired taste. We just fit. We work.

I don't really feel comfortable in that position. It's not a mutual dependence. It's a mutual happiness and love, but we take very different roles. It's vulnerable, to need and not be needed.

I don't think I like it. It scares me a little.

Peanut Butter, Anyone?

I figure our relationship is like a jar of peanut butter.

When we first started out, I was willing to share. I gave you half my peanut butter, I think you enjoyed it. But I didn't feel like your pallet matched my taste. So I closed the jar. I said, no more peanut butter. You were completely hung up on its taste. You craved it, couldn't forget it, couldn't see that on the store shelf there are many other jars of peanut butter. You kept coming back for more. But I wasn't sharing anymore. You began digging your cold, wet spoon into me and helping yourself to spoonfuls of my goodness, and it hurt. I asked you to stop, but I guess I didn't tell you to stop. I just kept letting you, spoon after spoon. Less and less and less. You took it all from me, leaving me empty.

I have nothing left for you. I stopped inviting you in a long time ago, but you broke down the door and sucked everything out. And yet you still want more! You still crave it, remember it, strive for it in so many of the wrong ways. Had you left some peanut butter in my jar, we could have had something to work with. But you emptied me, pushed me over the edge, past the point of no return.

It must hurt, coming so often expecting peanut butter but finding the jar empty. So please leave me to collect my contents, so I can offer it again. Please don't take what I'm not giving you.

Please check aisle 5, with the canned food and the preserves.

One Billion. Correction: 11 Billion, haha.

Welcome to my world.

Ya, I think so.

No use forcin' it. It either comes and it's real, or it was never coming to begin with.

Full and Overflowing

One time I was listening to a podcast (Gone Fishing - Metropolitan Bible Church, free on iTunes) and it really spoke to me. Honestly, this doesn't happen often. There are only a handful of times where I can say that the sermon that was preached spoke directly to my life and impacted me so much that I was changed since I heard it. But this one did that. It was so relevant, so honest, so true, cut right through everything that was going on and made its way into my heart.

The content of the sermon isn't necessarily what matters to this story though. What happened after it was finished is the remarkable part.

Just minutes after the podcast finished, my friend called me. I often have a bad attitude towards this friend. They can sometimes rub me the wrong way making me a little rude, not willing to try to make things work and negative. They asked me a question that I had always hated hearing, always responded poorly to. The cool thing was my reaction was uncharacteristic of me. I was totally happy, totally unbothered, totally eager to help and go out of my way to make things work. I wasn't offended or annoyed or anything. I surprised myself, because I had no reason to be any different towards my friend than before, but I was. And I was happy to be - it felt good.

This has been a huge lesson to me. I think that spending time in God's word through someone's sermon, having (I don't want to say letting because I don't know what I did differently than what I do during any other sermon that I listen to), but having the words really have an impact on my life was the work of the Holy Spirit. I think that during that time, I was just renewed and filled with the Spirit, and because I was so full of Him, there was no room for myself left. I couldn't be selfish or angry or irritable, I was just content. It was so blatantly not me, so obviously something pouring out of me.

I long to be filled full of the Spirit that same way everyday. As much as I am a "good person," or so it seems, I am a different person when God is close and He takes over. Somehow, I need to capture this process so that I can ensure I allow God to fill me up everyday before I start my day, so that every action will be inspired by Him, and will inspire life and truth.

Just goes to show that you can't do it on your own, and that the power of the Holy Spirit is... empowering.

..

Tell me it's different this time.

Dr Seuss

Dr Seuss is rocking my world. He's genius!
His writing is almost like music; it's rhythmic and mathematical and flowing. It rolls off your tongue when you read it and it just works so good. He both planned it and carved it out perfectly. I love it! It feels so good in my head.
I didn't realize how many sayings he coined. They're such positive, quirky, catchy messages. I'm actually so inspired by this guy, haha. It's weird.
Check it out:
"And today the Great Yertle, that Marvelous he, is King of the Mud. That is all he can see."
“You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?”
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.”
“Just tell yourself, Duckie, you're really quite lucky!” -- what does that even mean! Haha, I love it.
“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”  

I am thoroughly amused and oddly inspired by these silly, rhyming children's stories.

Three Things

1. The pretend heartbeat they put inside Build-A-Bear stuffed animals.
2. Independent people.
3. Dr. Seuss.

Comment

I'm no more against gay people and abortions than I am against liars, cheaters, thieves, jealous, greedy or lustful people, my best friend, my father, or myself.

Why

Why?

I'm scared, that's why.

If Your Memory Serves You Well

Memories are weird things, eh? My best friend and I were talking about last summer today, and we were remembering days of what we did (because it was epic).
They come in still frames, mostly. It's like my mind took pictures periodically throughout the day, storing away moments to be revisited later. I can pick out the weirdest details from those pictures, things you didn't even notice at the time that are subconsciously stored away.
I use to be so scared to forget. I wrote in a journal everyday for at least 4 years so that at any point I could go back and relive one of those days. The night before every birthday was not filled with the excitement that is is for most kids. I never felt ready to move on to a new year, I wasn't done with the age I was. I never read those journals, well once in a while. But it brings back weird feelings, I don't really like it. It's the things my brain chose not to remember.
I think I wrote so much because I valued what happened each day. People got tired of my not-really-that-exciting days, and didn't care to hear the stories. But I cared. Things happened that are ingrained in history forever. I made choices and said words and went places that ripple affected who knows how many people.. That's a scary thought. Literally, you choose to make a left instead of going straight, somebody has to wait 5 seconds and the world is a different place than had you gone straight. That's kind of a weak example, but literally every smile, every word is history, never to be seen again. I'm a little disturbed by that, not being able to go back. I guess life balances itself out with the future. As many moments that are gone and irretrievable, there are still coming. Choices that I'm left to make, people to meet, places to go.
I don't know, I feel like it matters. Everyday, as uneventful as they can be.

On Fire

When everything inside me looks like everything I hate.
You are the hope I have for change,
You are the only chance I'll take.

I'm on fire when You're near me,
I'm on fire when You speak.
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries.

Hm..

So many songs I wish I wrote.
They articulate the feelings I can't make sense of.

I love it.