He pushes everyone away from him
As he screams for someone to come close.

Why does he do that?
How do we get in?

Take the back door
Break a window
Stand and wait
Knock and knock
Knock, knock, knock
Knees, pleas
Please.


Believe in me, help me believe in anything
'Cause I want to be someone who believes.

So I'll stand by Your truth,
And I'll fight with Your strength,
Until you bring the victory.

E. E. Cummings [Poetry to Prose], Gorgeous.

Feeling is the intensity of life. This being the case, the person who dwells on the reason of life will never be fully engulfed by the passion of the moment, or take part in the full experience of a kiss. This same person will live, forever lacking the entirety of the experience while delicate opportunities prance tantalizingly around them.
So says my lifeblood that pulses in passion, that kisses are a better gratification than wisdom, Lady, I swear by all things beautiful. Don't cry - the sharpest functioning of my brain pales in comparison to your eyelids' even slightest flutter. I could craft the most complex of wordy expressions to say what you can say in one glance: We are for each other. Exploit your emotion: laugh, leaning back in my arms, grazing your free spirited passion against my structured logic. Life is not so structured, there is no formula.
And death will not define anything that happens between the beginning and the end.

This is me, volcanoing

There's not a bone in me that doubts You,
Not a bone, not a whisper.
You have moved too much,
Brushing warm breezes over my shivering skin.
You have carried me; I walk above it all, I swear.
When the ground falls out from beneath me,
I stay completely grounded, steady
Despite the mess that surrounds me.
I live as if I'm constantly drowning,
Constantly overwhelmed,
Gasping for air, waiting for rest,
And yet I'm never taken under the current.

But that doesn't mean things are easy.
That doesn't mean I have all the answers,
Or make all the right decisions,
Or understand how You work.

I won't be spoon fed the "right" answers.
I demand truth.
I expect answers,
And I believe You justify Yourself.
You don't crumble under the pressure of my questions.
All paths point to You
And I'm sprinting towards You,
On a narrow and tight path,
Fighting violently against the things that yank at my wrists,
Grabbing my ankles.
I press forward, resistance or not,
I can't stop,
Won't stop.

And I hope I'm not offending You,
By asking so many questions,
And wanting explanations and justification.
For why You choose to do things the way You do.
"Your ways are higher," the angelic voice sings,
"Your thoughts are higher," it echoes.
Over and over,
Reminding me that You're only good,
And You're not against me.


I want things my way,
And I want them in my time.
My intentions are good,
My heart is right,
And yet Your way and my way
Collide.


I'm angry, I'm broken.
I feel so useless,
I can't help anyone.
I did everything right and it didn't work!


"It's all in God's timing," she says.
"That's crap!" I yell.
I'm sick of makeshift answers,
Fill in the gap answers,
Easy to swallow answers.
Answers to smooth the ripples,
Answers to stop the questions.
I want real answers!

And yet I don't doubt You.
Not for one second.
Not even a little.
I am hitting a wall,
My human mind won't let me grasp it all.
Even that sounds like crap sometimes.

But it's not.
How could I understand You?
Why would I question Your timing,
When You invented time.
You literally control every tick of the second hand
On a clock that holds the world captive.
You can see forever past,
Forever forward.
You see the tomorrow and so You make decisions for today,
When all I see is the now.

It's weird because my intentions aren't wrong,
Even some of the things that are completely in line
With what You ask of me
Are against what You are allowing me.

I feel an urgency,
A lack of time,
I see an inevitable and disasterous ending.
For a moment there, I swear I felt the weight of the world:
Billions of lives going somewhere they'd never choose to go.
And what am I supposed to do about it!?
I'm trying. Oh God, I'm trying.

I feel like my hands are full of fragile lives
And tears stream down my face as I watch them slip through my fingers.
But You remind me,
You speak to me, I know it's You,
Saying: "This is my job. You do your part,
I'll do mine."
"But I am!"
This is where I start to lose my grip.
When I do whatever it takes,
And it takes something else.
When my efforts, my desires,
My tears and sobs
And pleas and hurting knees
Don't equate to results,
To saved people.

I'm not mad at You,
I just don't understand.
I'm just upset that You said no,
And I don't understand why.
And neither does he.

And I'm scared, more than anything else,
I'm scared
That I messed it up.
That I said it wrong, or pushed too hard
Or spoke too soon.
But sometimes I don't have the answers!

I really don't understand this time.
I'm hurting for him.
I'm scared the door is closing,
I'm scared he's slipping through my fingers.
Good thing Your hands are bigger than mine.

And still
I don't doubt You.
I question You and don't understand You
And I want to know why,
Please don't take it as rude, but I want to know now,
Before it's too late.

I don't care if You say no to me forever,
Or take away everything I've ever cared about.
If You steer me away from my dreams,
My desires, my love.
Frustration and anger,
I lay it before You.
I surrender regardless.
You are too big, too much,
Too beautiful and Holy.
There's just nothing I want more,
Nothing that fills the void that needs filling.

Forever, You and me.

Your Ways Are Higher, Isaiah 55:8-11

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

I'm Losing It

We are approaching break down territory. 

It's all slipping through my fingers

Grasping at air

Gasping for air

It's all alright with You.

I would give up sleep forever 

Just to talk you through this mess

Just to help your eyes to open

Just to see you come to life

Just to spend forever with you

Instead of apart

I would give up everything for You.
Again and again and again,
Because You gave up everything for me.

As hard as it is to say no,
As miserable as it might make me,
Or as tough as the sacrifice is to make,
I'm making it.
I'm miserable, but I'm making it,
Willingly.

I trust that You'll honor my decision also,
And that Your hand is in this.
Be glorified: be raised to your rightful place,
Be shown in Love and Truth,
Be pointed to and stood by
And chosen.

Ugh.

And to think I fueled that vehicle of evil.