He bought me a glass bottle of strawberry lemonade.
I drank half and left the half empty bottle on the counter overnight.
I was doing the dishes today and saw the bottle;
Refrigerate the rest, or dump it?

I poured all that sweet lemonade down the drain,
Threw the bottle in the recycling.

And at the mention of Your name,
Life reenters my body.
What was dormant and unresponsive
Is now breathing and alert.
What was wandering and distant
Is now close and safe.

Bind my wandering heart to You.

Heart Murmurs

I'd like someone to interpret my heart for me, because somewhere along the line from my heart to my head, sensicalness intercedes and steals the murmurs of my heart, leaving them no where to be found by my head.
I can't articulate what I feel. I'm scared of feelings. I suppress them.
Maybe this is finally me being honest, or at least, here's to hoping it will be:

I like him.
He's tall, and broad shouldered, and lanky, just like how I like it.
He has the best teeth I've ever seen, I just want them, however you can have another person's teeth.
He laughs at my jokes, and picks up on my quirks. That's rare.
He reassures me with his words, which is my love language. He speaks it often, speaks it genuine.
He is protective of me, territorial even. There's something nice about being protected.
Almost every time he goes too far, he catches himself and stops. It's so impressive.
He strives to be a good man. Striving is what needs to be there, not 100% success rate.
I feel like he carries everything. When the ball's in his court, he's got it covered. And when it's in mine, he still takes the wheel. I love that. I'm a little tired of carrying myself and other people, maybe I just need to be carried.
I've never second guessed anything I've said or done when I'm with him, he just accepts me right where I am and doesn't ask me to be something else. I don't hide things from him.
He has never, ever treated me in a way that I was unpleased with. Honestly, I feel like he never will either. He's so good to me.
He is patient and devoted.
He gives good butterflies.
I am physically comfortable with him. It feels natural, and progressed naturally from friends to.. extra friends. I'm not scared or intimidated by him.
I like his parents. He likes mine.
I feel like he's in love with every part of me. Do you know what that feels like? To be completely accepted and loved by someone else? Failures, imperfections and weirdness included. It's wonderful. The best, actually. I blossom inside a little every time I say it.
I want him, with me. Us.

You know, I'm not really ok. Thanks for asking.

In an ideal world

I want to be a million things I'm not.

I want to be an artist.
I want to be organized.
I want to prioritize.
I want to get out of bed on time.
I want to sing crazy notes.
I want to have mad piano skills.
I want to be able to juggle my life without dropping everything.
I want to take vintage pictures.
I want to love the flirts.
I want to have time for everyone that's important to me.
I want to listen to everyone's stories without getting distracted.
I want to practice my sax for two hours a day.
I want to laugh and inspire laughter everyday.
I want to go outside more.
I want to work out and be healthy.
I want to give God my best.
I want to know what I want.
I want to be so emotionally strong.
I want to have it all figured out.
I want to stop myself from gossiping.
I want to relate to things I've never experienced.
I want to love. You.
I want to have white teeth.
I want to buy nice clothes.
I want to look my age.
I want to hug the people I care about.
I want to be here when you need me, drop everything and listen.
I want to make time for my parents.
I want to have unlimited patience.
I want to go for walks with God.
I want to read my Bible gladly, often.
I want to write again.
I want to write a song, actually. On piano. And a different one on guitar, with words.
I want to show you my inside.
I want to date him.
I want to feel alive, and vibrant and engaged.
I want to sleep longer than I do.
I want to not want and just live.

They're not going to last forever
But that's ok
Because for now is long enough

There's a constant tug of war that goes on
Between my heart and my head
One pulls feelings and the other points reason
Bashing loudly in either ear

Black and white
Gray and blue
Sunsets glow and stars do too

I'll remember those starry nights
With you and your heart, beating quick next to mine
I'll remember how you'd look away, couldn't look me in the eyes
But how you'd reach for me in the dark, cool nights

And so if it's up to me,
I'm not saying goodbye.
Because I'm not strong enough to
Let these feelings slide


That's all I got tonight, folks.

Essay. Nikki. Nicole.

I think in lists, so I'll list off all the things I love about you:
1. Number one and most important, your love for God's word. I have never had a teacher teach me the Bible with the heart that you do. You have this way of making it real. Even the other day when you played Ruth and told it from first person, all of the sudden Ruth has life. Her muscles hurt from bending down, and she's sweaty from working and she hurts for Naomi, and she has life that she doesn't have on the page. You fill in the blanks, you add the practical aspect to the stories. I consistently forget that the people in the Bible are real, living, breathing people. I see them as stories, but you trample that with interest and a new realness. I love you for that. You inspire me to hunger after the Word like you do. You are honestly unmatched in your love of the Bible.
2. Your eyes. You speak with your eyes a lot. They're big and blue and beautiful, and they're dripping with words. It seems funny, but you can love on people with eye contact. You can say a deeper thank you with your eyes than with your words.
3. You are so talented. So, so talented. You are studious and brilliant. Creative and artistic. Thoughtful and caring. Emotional and real. Honest and direct. You have revolutionized KidsMin into a working, well-oiled machine. God pours out through that building, and you head up that whole process. You do a good job. I love working for you. I have a hard time imagining working in Children's without you. You are KidsMin to me, I've never known anything different. I don't really want to know anything different.
4. I want you in my life. I respect you and your opinions and thoughts. I think you're so knowledgeable. Pretty much I just think you're awesome. Stick around in my life.

I'll remember you and this place and these summers forever Essay. I adore them with my whole heart.

Lives Are Lines

Lives are lines, running parallel, perpendicular, simultaneous, intertwined, knotted, strained, fraying, braided, slacking, continuing...