Tonight

I dig my fingers into my heart's healing bruises
I push hard on the tender skin
Knowing the pain to come
And finding some kind of pleasure in feeling it
The memories are revived
It surfaces the feelings that have slid deep into hiding

It keeps you alive
I want you alive in my world

I miss you today

and I don't know what to do about it

Questions:

Are all sins really equal in God's eyes?
1 John 5:17 - All iniquity is sin.
James 2:10-11 - For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not murder." If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.
Matt 5:28 - But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 
God holds lust on the same level as adultery. 
Each and every sin holds the ability to condemn us to hell, therefore they're all equal. 
Although some sins culturally cause much more pain and problems then other sins, making some sins seem worse than others. 
1 John 3:4 - Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness.

To research....

Are there different levels of hell?

It's not often that I neglect writing. Writing helps enlighten me to whatever conflicts are colliding in my head and lays them out in some logical manner. And if I can't make sense of my thoughts enough to put them into words, it's not a good sign.. I'll just say that.

Searching Through the Madness

I looked for you in the crowded street. This was our last chance, our only concrete opportunity; potentially the last time I'd cross your path. I had planned it this way, leaving you the option of meeting me if you remembered, if you wanted to. I laughed and walked, window shopping with linked arms. I ordered an ice cream that was too big and had a nostalgic moment in a year-round Christmas store. I angered a customer in the pizza shop and danced in front of the live band. But at the same time, my eyes screened the people around me. They discriminated based on gender, age, size. It was approaching midnight, the madness still running thick and the silhouettes were outlined and highlighted in yellow light. I looked for your figure, I could point it out from far away. Every glare of bared collarbone skin in a v-neck caught my eye and I checked for your face. Nothing. This yellow lighted meeting within the midnight madness never took place, to my dismay but maybe for the better. I want to see you, I want the feelings back as much as I know it's better that they stop. Our relationship is this dangling string, untied and unfinished. We're apart for good reasons, we both know, but the reason isn't us. But it is.

Don't question it, it was always you.


It is always You.

Crystal Shawanda, What Do I Have To Do?

I hear what you’re not saying
Loud ‘n’ clear
I’ve long since stopped asking
How you feel
If I’m ever gonna be
Any closer to you

Oh what do I have to you
To get you
Oh to talk to me
Say anything
Just see me in the room
I don’t wanna be a flower on the wall of your world
Wilting away
How hard is it just
Oh to have a simple conversation
Just ask me all about
the book I read or how my day went
For me to get through to you
Oh what do I have to do

If I thought it’d make a difference
I’d take up golf
And the next time you go fishing
I’d tag along
I’d write it word for word
Across the sky
That if you don’t love me back I’ll die

What do I have to do to get you
Oh to talk to me
Say anything
Just see me in the room
I don’t wanna be a flower on the wall of your world
Wilting away
How hard is it just
Oh to have a simple conversation
ask me all about
Oh the book I read or how my day went
Oh for me to get through to you
Oh what do I have to do
How hard is it just
To have a normal conversation
Tell me about
How your long day at work went
For me to get through to you
What do I have to do
Oh yeah
What do I have to do

Sigh... :(

We are a little baby with cancer flowing through our veins. We are growing and developing while being eaten from within by a vile and destructive force. We are fragile and weak. Everyday, I hold my breath, hoping we’ll make it through, being thankful for the time we have together. It doesn’t look good, the poison’s running deep and painful. I don’t know how long we have, but I still believe in miracles.

You are my wildest dream come true. You are every dream, wish and fantasy I spent months pitifully fabricating. I never thought I'd have the privilege. I will carry you in my heart, in whatever form, no matter where you go.