If you ask my heart right now,
It says yes.

God:

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

James 4:1-5
1What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions^a are at war within you?^b 2You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4You adulterous people!^c Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

Proverbs 5

1My son, pay attention to my wisdom,

listen well to my words of insight,

2that you may maintain discretion

and your lips may preserve knowledge.

3For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil;

4but in the end she is bitter as gall,

sharp as a double-edged sword.

5Her feet go down to death;

her steps lead straight to the grave.^a

6She gives no thought to the way of life;

her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.

7Now then, my sons, listen to me;

do not turn aside from what I say.

8Keep to a path far from her,

do not go near the door of her house,

9lest you give your best strength to others

and your years to one who is cruel,

10lest strangers feast on your wealth

and your toil enrich another man’s house.

11At the end of your life you will groan,

when your flesh and body are spent.

12You will say, “How I hated discipline!

How my heart spurned correction!

13I would not obey my teachers

or listen to my instructors.

14I have come to the brink of utter ruin

in the midst of the whole assembly.”

One Thing

As soon as I stop looking to God to be fed, and I'm not consistently spending time being filled up by Him, things change. I start feeling lonely and empty, longing for contact and not being satisfied by anyone's. There's this space, void, hole, compartment inside that needs filling , and I started filling it with other things. It's tough to deny such tempting offers, but those things are gone now and the space hurts. And when I relied on You to fill the void, I didn't need anything, anyone. I was full. I was strong. But without you, I am a wandering, unsatisfied and hurting soul. I miss You. I need You.

I will be the one that cries for you.

Hey you! -
With the long hair and the hat. And the beard. And the heart.
I want you.

"I've never seen you like this. You're always so strong. You're being like a weak little girl. This is a side of you that's never come out."
"I know, and that's what scares me. It's different this time, and I'm going to lose it."

When's the Time?

One of these days, I'll decide to be strong. I'll decide to stand up and re-enter the world of logic and reason, of foresight and long-term gain. But in my heart I find no such desire; nothing that allows me to let go or be okay.
How could you be okay? I hope you're lying.
It's disgusting actually, how I'd rather stay in this state of misery if it just means holding on to a tiny shred of hope of keeping you, than to let you slip away and maybe go back to being a happy me. I don't know if it's disgusting actually. I can hardly help it. Maybe this misery is beautiful. Maybe it's not desperate or weak or unwarranted. Maybe it is, I'm not really sure. No, I don't think it is. You're allowed to care and invest in things that are unsure. You're allowed to follow your heart.
True? Then why am I being directed otherwise? But then I trust You. And then I remember how bad it sucks. And then I remember I trust You.
It sucks. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. It sucks! I trust You. I trust You. I trust You.








- With all but a shred of my heart.

Flippin' suuuucks.

I don't really want your advice anymore,
No more pros and cons lists
Possibilities and opportunities.
I don't really want to talk about it anymore,
Or think about it, since I've already done more than enough of that.

I just want someone to sit with me
And let me cry my salty tears.
Honestly, I just want you to look me in the eye and say:
"That sucks," and mean it,
Because that's all that's left to say.

I want you..

You and I, we're like an uncontrollable freight train, pushing forward with every force of momentum and nothing holding us back. We are bounding - without grip, without consent and without even a whisper of ever stopping.
Close the curtains and we'll go a lovely shade of green as we get motion sickness from the speed at which this train takes the curves in its tracks, the way it glides alongside gravity down steep slopes. Or maybe we'll leave the curtains open and watch as trees and houses and people and places all blur into colourful lines of undefinition; of surreality and inferiority to what we have created for ourselves. They can be the backdrop of our slow dance, as we rock and sway to the chugging rhythm of the train. Our heartbeats keep perfect, undisrupted time to the most melodic, movement inspiring music I've ever heard.
But within seconds of this fabricated heaven, where every cell of my body asks to be taken, I suffocate. I cannot stand or sing or dance or sway. I cannot move or breathe or speak or be. I have been unplugged, and pulled into a gorgeously alluring state. And don't get me wrong, it is everything I want. Everything I've ever wanted, but its just not what I need.
So I will throw myself onto these cold iron tracks, shivering limply with my heart - spewing broken blood - in my hand. I will be what stops this pulsing train; a sacrifice of pain and flesh and happiness. And though I wanted to forget the tracks, forget the path and the destination and focus solely on falling deeper and deeper into exclusive bliss with you, I can't.
Oh, goodb... It hurts to say.

Goodbye bliss, goodbye.
Come back to me.
Goodbye.
Come back.
Goodbye.


I need Him. I want you. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. I want you. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him.