It wasn't supposed to be this way.

We were going to be young and naive forever... 

I'm A Dreamer

As humiliating as it might be to give something 100% and fall flat on your face,
It's gotta be more humiliating to not have the guts to go after something you want with 100%.

One More Time

You learn from your mistakes, right?
But if you don't act based on what you learned, you really didn't learn anything, did you?

You say, I'm never going to do that again.
And then you do it again.

Your heart still wants what it always wanted. You're just supposed to know that last time you gave in to what you wanted, it wasn't worth it.

So why am I about to do it again?

Cat Inspired.

There's been too many times when I walk in the door from school and see my cat sleeping on the couch. I know that's where he's been all day and I find myself extremely jealous.
I want to sleep, and eat, and not worry about anything at all. Be pet, and loved and fed. And sleep. All the time. It's so simple.

Life is heavy. Just living, everyday, with pressures and responsibilities and deadlines.
And time.

It never stops trudging forward, ever. No matter what.
Even if you really wanted it to.
That's a weird concept.
There's a lot of those, weird concepts.

I guess that's where the value in life comes from though. It wouldn't matter how you spent your time if your time wasn't spendable, wasn't here and then gone. Wasn't losable, waste-able.

Ha

I laughed on my own today.
Without anyone else laughing to inspire my laugh.
This is momentous! I am a follower of a laugher. I laugh when other people laugh, it's what makes it funny.
But I don't like it. I want to laugh independently. To decide for myself what is funny. To be the laugher.

The best character quality I can think of is someone who laughs at other people's jokes. Everyone laughs at people's jokes, but there are people who laugh hard, and get your jokes. Who make you feel funny. Those are my favorite people. I want to be one of those.

I laughed on my own today.

My Pops figured this out

According to NASA (http://eclipse.gsfc.nasa.gov/LEdecade/LEdecade2011.html)

In the years 2014 and 2015 there will be two solar eclipses and four lunar eclipses, all of them occurring on Jewish Holy Days!

            The Lunar eclipses break down as follows:

            Passover                                 April 15, 2014

            Feast of Tabernacles              October 8, 2014

            Passover                                 April 4, 2015

            Feast of Tabernacles              September 28, 2015

            The two Solar eclipses connected with God’s Holy Days in 2014-2015 occur:

            Adar 29/Nisan 1(New Year)            March 20, 2015

            Feast of Trumpets                  September 13, 2015

The last time this happened was in 1949/1950, the year following Israel’s statehood, and 1967/1968, the year Jerusalem was liberated in the Six-Day War!  Before that, you have to go back to 1493 for four successive lunar eclipses on Passover and the Feast of Tabernacles. This will not happen again for hundreds of years.

  Joel 2:31 - the sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.

  Acts 2:20 - The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord.

   Jesus Christ Himself said, referring to the days before His second coming:  “And there will be fearful sights and GREAT SIGNS from heaven”  (Luke 21:11, KJV).  Christ went on, “And there will be SIGNS in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars . . .” (Luke 21: 25).

    “Now when these things BEGIN to happen, LOOK UP and LIFT UP your heads, because your REDEMPTION  draws near” (Luke 21:28).

Why is that?

You step forward, and I'm pushed back.
You step back and gasping for more.

And the things of this world will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

[In]dependence

I'm pretty used to being depended on. I seem to find that place naturally in a lot of my relationships. I'm really independent, and I think I rely on myself a lot, so I don't feel comfortable leaning on other people much. And I'm consistent, so maybe people find that comforting to have close. But I have one friend who I rely on 100%. It's been that way forever. I actually need her, and she's always been there. Just me and her.

I think she's ok without me. She can stand without me, she can rely on the people that are close to her, whether that's me or someone else. She's would miss me if I was gone, but she will function just fine and I feel like I'll have a harder time.

I don't need anyone, but her. I trust her, and only her. She knows me, completely. She gets me, and that's rare. She laughs at me, which is an acquired taste. We just fit. We work.

I don't really feel comfortable in that position. It's not a mutual dependence. It's a mutual happiness and love, but we take very different roles. It's vulnerable, to need and not be needed.

I don't think I like it. It scares me a little.

Peanut Butter, Anyone?

I figure our relationship is like a jar of peanut butter.

When we first started out, I was willing to share. I gave you half my peanut butter, I think you enjoyed it. But I didn't feel like your pallet matched my taste. So I closed the jar. I said, no more peanut butter. You were completely hung up on its taste. You craved it, couldn't forget it, couldn't see that on the store shelf there are many other jars of peanut butter. You kept coming back for more. But I wasn't sharing anymore. You began digging your cold, wet spoon into me and helping yourself to spoonfuls of my goodness, and it hurt. I asked you to stop, but I guess I didn't tell you to stop. I just kept letting you, spoon after spoon. Less and less and less. You took it all from me, leaving me empty.

I have nothing left for you. I stopped inviting you in a long time ago, but you broke down the door and sucked everything out. And yet you still want more! You still crave it, remember it, strive for it in so many of the wrong ways. Had you left some peanut butter in my jar, we could have had something to work with. But you emptied me, pushed me over the edge, past the point of no return.

It must hurt, coming so often expecting peanut butter but finding the jar empty. So please leave me to collect my contents, so I can offer it again. Please don't take what I'm not giving you.

Please check aisle 5, with the canned food and the preserves.