He bought me a glass bottle of strawberry lemonade.
I drank half and left the half empty bottle on the counter overnight.
I was doing the dishes today and saw the bottle;
Refrigerate the rest, or dump it?

I poured all that sweet lemonade down the drain,
Threw the bottle in the recycling.

And at the mention of Your name,
Life reenters my body.
What was dormant and unresponsive
Is now breathing and alert.
What was wandering and distant
Is now close and safe.

Bind my wandering heart to You.

Heart Murmurs

I'd like someone to interpret my heart for me, because somewhere along the line from my heart to my head, sensicalness intercedes and steals the murmurs of my heart, leaving them no where to be found by my head.
I can't articulate what I feel. I'm scared of feelings. I suppress them.
Maybe this is finally me being honest, or at least, here's to hoping it will be:

I like him.
He's tall, and broad shouldered, and lanky, just like how I like it.
He has the best teeth I've ever seen, I just want them, however you can have another person's teeth.
He laughs at my jokes, and picks up on my quirks. That's rare.
He reassures me with his words, which is my love language. He speaks it often, speaks it genuine.
He is protective of me, territorial even. There's something nice about being protected.
Almost every time he goes too far, he catches himself and stops. It's so impressive.
He strives to be a good man. Striving is what needs to be there, not 100% success rate.
I feel like he carries everything. When the ball's in his court, he's got it covered. And when it's in mine, he still takes the wheel. I love that. I'm a little tired of carrying myself and other people, maybe I just need to be carried.
I've never second guessed anything I've said or done when I'm with him, he just accepts me right where I am and doesn't ask me to be something else. I don't hide things from him.
He has never, ever treated me in a way that I was unpleased with. Honestly, I feel like he never will either. He's so good to me.
He is patient and devoted.
He gives good butterflies.
I am physically comfortable with him. It feels natural, and progressed naturally from friends to.. extra friends. I'm not scared or intimidated by him.
I like his parents. He likes mine.
I feel like he's in love with every part of me. Do you know what that feels like? To be completely accepted and loved by someone else? Failures, imperfections and weirdness included. It's wonderful. The best, actually. I blossom inside a little every time I say it.
I want him, with me. Us.

You know, I'm not really ok. Thanks for asking.

In an ideal world

I want to be a million things I'm not.

I want to be an artist.
I want to be organized.
I want to prioritize.
I want to get out of bed on time.
I want to sing crazy notes.
I want to have mad piano skills.
I want to be able to juggle my life without dropping everything.
I want to take vintage pictures.
I want to love the flirts.
I want to have time for everyone that's important to me.
I want to listen to everyone's stories without getting distracted.
I want to practice my sax for two hours a day.
I want to laugh and inspire laughter everyday.
I want to go outside more.
I want to work out and be healthy.
I want to give God my best.
I want to know what I want.
I want to be so emotionally strong.
I want to have it all figured out.
I want to stop myself from gossiping.
I want to relate to things I've never experienced.
I want to love. You.
I want to have white teeth.
I want to buy nice clothes.
I want to look my age.
I want to hug the people I care about.
I want to be here when you need me, drop everything and listen.
I want to make time for my parents.
I want to have unlimited patience.
I want to go for walks with God.
I want to read my Bible gladly, often.
I want to write again.
I want to write a song, actually. On piano. And a different one on guitar, with words.
I want to show you my inside.
I want to date him.
I want to feel alive, and vibrant and engaged.
I want to sleep longer than I do.
I want to not want and just live.

They're not going to last forever
But that's ok
Because for now is long enough